Greetings news fans!
I’m thrilled the country is still in existence, because with all the buffoonery taking place in Washington and beyond, who knows how long we can survive?
Just remember: If you like your politicians, you can keep your politicians.
OK, now let’s get to the good stuff as we remember the silliest moments of 2013, and keep clicking on the black bar at the bottom of each entry to reveal the next story.
Sum Ting Wong
In perhaps one of the strangest on-air bloopers of all time, a San Francisco TV station identified the four pilots of a fatal Asiana plane crash using bogus and racially offensive names.
KTVU anchor Tori Campbell read the names accompanied by a graphic with the phony names listed alongside a photo of the burned-out plane that had crashed at San Francisco International Airport on July 6, killing three and injuring dozens.
The names were said to be:
- Sum Ting Wong
- Wi Tu Low
- Ho Lee Fuk
- and Bang Ding Ow.
The station later made the admission that I’ll paraphrase with: “Wi Do Sum Ting Weally Wong.”
Plump you up
Anthony Weiner may have gotten spanked in his run for New York City mayor, but that didn’t stop some entrepreneurs from cashing in on the sexual antics of the former congressman.
As you may recall, Weiner became a walking punchline after taking photos of his own personal schnitzel and then sexting them out to numerous young women, using the Internet alias of Carlos Danger.
Weiner’s refusal to pull out of politics led to some businessmen to team up to create and market Carlos Danger Weiners, which is no joke.
“You can take a picture of yourself with your Carlos Danger Weiner and send it out to your friends, or even people you don’t know at all!” says the website. “It’s also the perfect gift for a loved one, that special co-worker (wink), or turning heads whenever you choose.”
There’s even footage of someone claiming to be the REAL Carlos Danger confronting Weiner in New York, asking why the politician stole his name:
Radio’s Rush Limbaugh said of Weiner: “I’m thinking the guy just doesn’t quit. Carlos Cialis would have been a better name. Carlos Viagra.”
“If he keeps this up another 48 hours, I think he ought to go see a doctor.”
Weather or not
A television weather gal was seriously bugged by an on-camera spider while attempting to give a routine forecast.
Kristi Gordon of Global BC apparently had her “spidey sense” on as she noticed the legs of an arachnid approaching her head on the studio’s monitor.
“Oh my gosh! That was creepy!” she exclaimed as she ducked and darted out of the spider’s path. (Click to see the video below:)
“Of course it had to be right on my head!” she continued. “I hate it, I can’t stand it!”
Voices of her broadcast colleagues can be heard saying, “You realize it’s not there” and “Kristi, it’s not in the room. It’s OK.”
“I am so sorry. OK, I gotta keep going here,” Gordon replied, wiping away tears of laughter in an effort to continue with the weather forecast. “You know what? It just really creeps me out.”
Gordon’s antics are reminiscent of Lisa Hidalgo, the popular meteorologist for KMGH-TV, the ABC affiliate in Denver, Colo.
As she was providing her viewers details of an April snowfall in Colorado, the camera focusing on her suddenly dropped down, taking aim at her feet.
“Wow!” Hidalgo shouted as she noticed the camera’s new angle. (Click to see the video below:)
Immediately, the weather woman turned into a dancing Wonder Woman of sorts, performing an impromptu jig, singing, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!”
But that wasn’t the end.
Hidalgo then crouched down on all fours to continue giving the forecast, while looking up into the camera.
“So it’s gonna be kind of cold today. Temps in the 30s,” she said. “By tonight we should see some clearing skies. All right, you have a good one!”
Hidalgo then crawled on her hands and knees out of the camera shot, all the while giggling.
Wolf in a storm
While there were plenty of comments from tornado survivors in Moore, Okla., praising God and thanking the Lord for their survival, apparently not everyone has the same sentiment.
CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer found that out while talking to storm survivor Rebecca Vitsmun, a wife and mother of a young boy whom she was holding while being interviewed by the CNN anchor.
“Well, you’re blessed. Brian, your husband, is blessed. Anders (your son) is blessed,” Blitzer said. “We’re happy you’re here. You guys did a great job. I guess you gotta thank the Lord, right? Do you thank the Lord for that split-second decision?”
“I-I-I’m,” she laughed. “I’m actually an atheist.”
“Oh, you are? All right,” Blitzer said with a chuckle. “But you made the right call.”
“Yup – we are here,” she said, laughing. “And, you know, I don’t blame anybody for thanking the Lord.”
“Of course not,” Blitzer responded.
The exchange is going viral on the Internet, with one YouTube clip already collecting some 2.5 million views.
“He found the only atheist in Oklahoma, and he didn’t know it,” opined top-rated radio host Rush Limbaugh. “That’s just too rich. He thinks everybody he talks to is being ‘all God all the time.’”
Fox News anchor Bill O’Reilly erupted on the air with epic anger in March, calling his network colleague Alan Colmes a liar during a discussion over alleged budget cuts by Barack Obama.
“Bullsh–! You are lying! You are lying!” a fist-pounding O’Reilly screamed at Colmes, who’s a left-leaning political analyst for Fox News.
“Don’t call me a liar,” Colmes responded. “Don’t you sit there and call me a liar.”
O’Reilly launched into a tirade on Colmes for failing to specify any program President Obama would be willing to cut, other than entitlement programs such Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security.
Words alone cannot do justice to the ear-popping meltdown. The video is is simply scrumptious:
As Americans battled over the implementation of Obamacare, the president had big trouble getting Healthcare.gov operational.
That prompted more than one spoof, including Kate McKinnon on “Saturday Night Live” portraying Health Secretary Kathleen Sebelius doing damage control.
“If our website still isn’t loading properly, we’re probably just overloaded with traffic,” she explained. “Millions of Americans are visiting HealthCare.gov, which is great news. Unfortunately, the site was only designed to handle six users at a time.”
She provided a low-resolution alternative, featuring the simple question, “U WANT DOCTR?” and a yes and no box to click.
“And if our site keeps freezing, we’ve also provided links to other helpful websites, such as Kayak.com, where you can purchase airline tickets to Canada, and buy cheaper prescription drugs,” she noted.
The mocking continued at the Country Music Association Awards, as Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood had big trouble as they tried to sign up for Obamacare:
But even they could not outdo the humor of Adolf Hitler going ballistic when he learned Healthcare.gov was down in one of the best spoofs of the movie “Downfall” to date.
“Obamcare was supposed to be perfect. Premiums are supposed to be down $2,500 a year. It had everything. Free preventative care. No disenrollment for pre-existing conditions, even free birth control and abortifacients … for slutty college coeds,” he shouts.
“And now you tell me people can’t sign up? Do you realize how hard we worked with supreme leader Jarrett to make sure this thing worked?”
“It’s just access to insurance, not care. So everyone will be happy, as long as they don’t need actual medical care. When they do get care, they won’t realize that everyone has the same problems getting seen by a doctor.
“The lengths we went through to get this far; the ‘executive order’ on abortion to fool Stupak; the ‘Cornhusker kickback,’ the ‘Louisiana Purchase,’ ‘deem and pass.’ We even got John Roberts to call the fine a ‘tax.’”
“There’s only one thing left to do so now gentlemen,” he concludes. “Let’s find a way to blame Bush.”
Devil looks hauntingly familiar
President Barack Obama, already famous for having flies attracted to his face, including another one in January, became the subject of devilish talk after an episode of “The Bible” miniseries on the History Channel.
Twitter exploded with comments from viewers who noticed an eerie similarity between the face of Mr. Obama and that of the Satan character, played by actor Mehdi Ouzaani.
Media giant Glenn Beck was among the first to make the connection, tweeting, “Anyone else think the Devil in #TheBible Sunday on History Channel looks exactly like That Guy?”
Beck refers to Obama as “that guy,” having vowed not to utter the name of the president in all of 2013.
‘You killed my father. Prepare to die’
“Inconceivable!” Or perhaps not, in this age of insecurity.
One of the most memorable lines from the classic 1987 film “The Princess Bride” had some passengers aboard a Qantas Airlines flight feeling as if they were trapped in the Pit of Despair.
The adventure began when Wynand Mullins, a native of New Zealand was flying from his current home in Sydney, Australia, back to Auckland, New Zealand, wearing a T-shirt featuring a famous quote from the comic fairy tale.
The message on an oversized name tag read: “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”
The line is uttered numerous times by actor Mandy Patinkin in “The Princess Bride” as his swordsman character was on a lifelong quest for revenge against the man who slew his father.
According to New Zealand-based Stuff, “Mullins was approached by a flight attendant who said some people on board were intimidated by the words on his shirt.”
It noted Mullins is used to getting questionable looks and received a few while in line waiting to board, but the reaction he received on the plane was “a bit over the top.”
Mullins indicated, “The flight attendant said to me: ‘Are you able to remove it because some of the passengers are quite intimidated by it.’ I thought it was all a bit silly. The person next to me was laughing, because they knew the movie.”
However, Mullins did not respond by saying, “As you wish.”
Like Inigo Montoya noted in the film, Mullins may have been thinking, “I do not think it means what you think it means.”
Justin old-fashioned love song
Singer Justin Timberlake provided one of the few actually funny moments on NBC’s “Saturday Night Live,” when he made fun of the late Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez.
Timberlake portrayed Elton John, who recollected the events and famos quotes of Chavez’s bizarre life to the tune of “Candle in the Wind.”
“And it seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind, if a candle could pull out two pistols at a press conference,” sang Timberlake.
Dumping on America
It doesn’t matter if you think Barack Obama is the No. 1 or No. 2 president in American history.
There’s an outhouse in New Mexico labeled “Obama’s Presidential Library” to accommodate both.
Located in Tucumcari, N.M., near historic Route 66, the man who posted the sign has no apologies for the message concerning the commoder-in-chief.
“It’s like watching TV. If you don’t like what the hell you’re watching, turn the channel,” the man told KOAT-TV, refusing to provide his name.
“I’m not even certain he even deserves that level of respect, but that’s my opinion.”
He did not say what specifically prompted him to construct the outhouse, but indicated he has no intention of flushing it, as it has been standing for weeks, if not months.
“That’s my opinion … and fortunately, that’s one thing they haven’t taken away from us … is our right to our opinion,” he added.
Meanwhile, online commenters had little problem dooing their business, posting comments such as:
- “That’s an insult to the outhouse.”
- “I think for Obama it should be a two-story outhouse.”
- “It’s no wonder Obama’s library is so small, it only consists of one book … the Communist Manifesto!”
- “I think two books. The other is the Koran.”
I have a new nickname for NBC’s Al Roker. It’s “commando-in-chief.”
In case you missed it, the legendary “Today” show weatherman admitted on national TV that he pooped his pants at the White House, tossed his underwear in the men’s room and then went “commando” for the rest of his visit.
The incident happened in 2002 when George W. Bush was president, but Roker didn’t leak his personal bombshell until this year.
“When you have a bypass and your bowel’s been reconstructed, you think you’re pretty safe,” Roker told Nancy Snyderman. “And I probably went off and ate something I wasn’t supposed to. And as I’m walking to the press room, well, I gotta pass a little gas here. I’m walking by myself. Who’s gonna know? Only a little something extra came out.”
“You pooped in your pants,” said Snyderman.
“I pooped my pants,” said Roker. “Not horribly, but enough that I knew.”
“And so, you know, I was panicking,” he continued. “So I got to the restroom in the press room, threw out the underwear, you know, and just went commando.”
“A great lesson has been learned, and America is all the better for it, thanks to the courage of Al Roker admitting that he ate something he knew he shouldn’t have eaten having had gastric bypass – which led to flatulence becoming solids, which led to pooping in his pants in the White House,” noted Rush Limbaugh. “Al Roker has taught Americans a valuable lesson about how not to poop in their pants. What a courageous guy! I mean, it’s not often you get stories like this, folks.”
Attention Kmart shoppers
Finally, we’ll close with what was perhaps the funniest commercial of the year, Kmart’s classic “Ship My Pants” campaign.
Never before has their been such a brilliant use of clean words to imply something something soiled, and trumpet a company’s service at the same time.
It’s filled with Kmart shoppers astonished to learn they can “ship their pants,” and plenty of other products for free.
“I just shipped my pants and it’s very convenient,” declares a grandmother type.
“I just shipped my drawers,” whispers a young woman.
“I just shipped my nightie,” says another.
And a man sampling a mattress is more than exuberant as he shouts: “I just shipped my bed!”
The campaign went viral, with more than 20 million views on YouTube, but there’s no word if Kmart executives actually [shipped] themselves upon learning that.
It was so successful, in fact, that Kmart released this Charles Dickens-style holiday version just days ago. Enjoy, and have a blessed 2014: